1. |
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2. |
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|
I feel so empty again
nights of joy and happiness
have been short lived
now each night becomes so lonely and torturous
like a new sensation of emptiness
one that rips through your skin
one that can be felt even through the dense crowds
I've never felt it this strong for years now
not since I used to always attempt
and then then; I still failed...
but not this time
I can't live like this anymore
I just can't...
living with no self identity
no purpose or reason to live
not even the vast horizons feel the same
now that I'm empty again
I wish I could somehow
fill this gaping void that always engulfs my chest
encompassing any sense of joy
like black skies shrouding the neighbouring fields
with nothing but suffering
and a dreadful sense of emptiness
one that can never be filled...
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3. |
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|
It's time to say goodbye...
or so I thought
it's like the sound of your voice
haunts me in my dreams
I should have left this world for good
but it's like you wanted me here
even if you're gone...
ever since we have parted ways
the woods never felt the same
and the fields have died
in the mourning of summer's autumn
it's like the joy from you
kept everything alive
my sleep died with you
my dreams are no longer dreams
and I've lost all drive
all motivation to keep going
no matter how much I tell myself
I do not need you
it's like deep down I know
that I regret pushing you away
I try to get by
I try to keep it all together
but you're gone...
we're done...
I pushed you away...
maybe if I carve your name into my wrists
it'll make it alright
or give me some closure
maybe if I keep all the pictures
look back while I overdose
it's like you'll be there with me...
while I wither...
it's like your in...
all my favourite songs...
I'm sorry...
I know you hate me...
I'm sorry...
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4. |
Exi(s)t
10:50
|
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|
I live in the dark and cold ambience of my rotting soul
everything here is dead
there's nothing left
it has all withered so long ago
everything keeps crashing down all around me
everything I touch falls and withers
soon enough I'll disappear
from everyone's lives
and how I wish I could be something more...
something more than this...
life digs it's fingers into my eyes
it blacks out the sun
and drags me into a world of darkness
this darkness is where I lived
through every time I've been jumped
or scolded, belittled and disowned
abandoned again
it'll only happen again
I guess I was destined to be this
I don't know what I did to deserve it
since a child, I've always been hated
for being different
and now my difference
has put a target on my back
pieces, lying in pieces
everyone wants to tear me down
and I'll only let it happen
again and again
since the age of five
I've always been the blame for everything
I've been the pestilence of everyone's lives
the outcast with no reason to live
I cannot be loved
I wish I could be loved
I wish I could love myself
but nobody could hate me more
than I hate myself
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5. |
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I lay in bed for days
with nothing to eat, nothing to drink
no reason to leave the room
no purpose to live
I just rot in this dark room for days
no human interaction
withering like everyone's memory of me
I can't shake this feeling
nothing excites me anymore
no energy to move
so how can I even kill myself?
I'm tired but can't sleep
I'm hungry but can't eat
I just remind myself that I burden everyone
from just existing
so I may as well remain like this
ruminate all the time
I wish I could be more in life...
if I remain stationary
don't eat, just stress, just die slowly
no one will know how many seizures I'm having
nobody can even begin to imagine
how painful each seizure is
I just hope the next one finishes the job...
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6. |
Trapped in Misery
06:28
|
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|
You were once my everything
you meant so much to me
but little did I know
how quickly it all died and crashed around me
every ounce of hope I once had
turned into a new laceration
that remains imprinted on my body
every word you said
feels so dead and rotten
I'm tired, giving up
I won't love again
never again
because even if I try
it's never enough
I'm always the one who's left hurt
I'm always blind to it
so this time I'll cut deeper
I can't believe
I fell for your lies
and thought you were the one
it just hurts so much
I'm dead to the core
and you will never know...
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7. |
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8. |
Happiness is an Illusion
14:45
|
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|
I live in the dark
my future is bleak
life spent in isolation
suffering becomes endless
I will never know that feeling
when your heart beats for another
to feel loved at all
if that feeling is so beautiful
then why is it something I can't feel?
how am I always rejected by life?
how am I always left in the dark?
why can't I feel loved?
my life ended a long time ago
I had to kill the old me to survive
now I feel like nobody knows who I am
I wish someone could notice me
but it's all my fault
a rising sense of agoraphobia
lives within me
I can no longer leave the house
without being harassed
I can't find closure anymore
without the sense of love
I guess happiness is only an illusion
to mask the harsh sense of reality
I guess the thought of being loved
for who I am and unconditionally
is all an unrealistic dream
that I wish I could make a reality
key in my wrists
rejection courses through my veins
maybe I'll never be sane
one last letter
it's all over now
I will never be loved
I should stop trying
I should give up and die
no one wants me
no one cares
the smell of blood
permeates the air
rose stained floor
convulsing again
I just wish I could be loved...
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9. |
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|
Clouds of black ash
circles around me
memories of another life
encompass my thoughts
maybe in another life
you didn't leave me here
days of complete hopelessness
might be living out my final days
but you won't know
you won't ever know this pain that I hold so dear
you won't know if these days will be my last
blade digging into my skin
cutting open my flesh
I don't know when it'll end
the memories are fading fast
but I still haven't forgot you
it still hurts so much
chained to the earth
the shackles of despair
still burns me to this filthy ground
alone with sorrow
do you see me?
I hope my days end soon
so I can finally see you
whether it's by suicide
or just a seizure
I hope to die, I hope to see you
sometime... somehow...
I miss you more and more...
please don't forget me...
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10. |
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|
I used to think that time was once on my side
I used to think that we could make things work...
it's been months since we last really spoke
and it's almost as if you slip further from me
each passing day goes by
the distance that separates us
tears me from the inside again and again
but it's my fault...
it feels as if I'm selfish for missing you
because it's my fault
my mental state was declining
and I pushed everyone away
now every time I sleep
I dream of you kissing me
and with every kiss
it feels more and more real
but it isn't, it never was for months
I can feel myself spiralling again
wondering if you even care
or if you will even remember my name this time next year
that's if I'm still around then
not that it'd make a difference
I've got a couple of screws loose
there's nothing to miss in me
and I have nothing to lose
now that you're gone...
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11. |
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I spend my days wilting away in an empty bed
your love for me has died, yet I can't unlove you
it seems all this time meant nothing
there wasn't any point to any of it
now I'm stuck with a sense of emptiness
that will never escape my chest
each day I face new mental struggles
unable to leave the bed
unable to shower or eat
there's no point to living anymore
trying to let go
of my feelings
but deep down I know
I will always love you
I will leave for good
cut my wrists
tie the noose
it didn't work last time
but I'll try again
in nights of utter darkness
you picked me back up
held me in your arms
kissed me on the forehead
and held my hands
now I must accept all that has gone
what we had, what we were...
was anything you said eve true?
was it all just a lie?
was I ever even special to you?
did I not love enough?
did I love too much?
is it something I did?
was I not pretty enough?
spiralling out of control
the roses I had once left for you
remain wilted and dead
the poem I wrote for you
remains unheard and bittersweet
you're in my veins
in my heart, you're in my head
I need you out...
I wish I didn't feel a thing...
cut my wrists
separate my mind
cut open my veins
please let me go
please... I want to live
I want to breathe again
I want to breathe again...
I guess in the end...
I will never be the one for anyone...
and although I was never special to you...
you were always special to me...
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12. |
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|
As I awoken to bright fluorescent lights
I was brought news of your passing
that day, another part of me died
to lay in eternal rest
amongst thorns of black roses
I wouldn't leave my room for days
nobody saw me in nearly a week
I wouldn't leave
I couldn't accept it
through all the torment in my childhood
you made it somewhat bearable
always did what you could
and you'd put up with my shit
I wish I didn't stop visiting you...
I miss you more and more
I cannot move on from your passing
I just hope wherever you are
there's no more grief and sorrow
even if you're gone
life goes on...
it always goes on
almost as if nothings happened
to the world; you may have only been a grain of sand
but to me, you were so much more...
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13. |
Withdrawn Into Seclusion
11:40
|
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|
nothing changes...
confined in a secluded cell
one you've made for me
one you've crafted by your lies and manipulation
so many times I'd cry or beg for you to stop
so many times I had to endure the abuse
I never understood at the time
why I had to submit myself to you
I thought that I was ungrateful
because you said you loved me
even though you still did all those things
after I asked you to stop...
nothing gets better
the harassment hasn't stopped
nor has the stalking or the defamation
you still reverse the blame onto me
and call me the things you did to me
and I now have to live with the pain
and the constant reminders
and frequent nightmares
and constant panic attacks
I'm scared to sleep
because I dream of hanging from the trees
to witness you staring back at me
to witness you doing all those disgusting things you did
I'm tired of it all
the paranoia, threats
the lies, you telling me to kill myself
why was I never enough?
why did you take advantage?
and why do you still lie?
it hurts so much
it hurts so fucking much
you knew my past and my weaknesses
yet you used it all against me...
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14. |
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|
I've thrown it all away
down in the gutter of life
life means nothing to me anymore
there's no reason to be here
I'll just be another
to die in complete isolation
if I can't feel anymore
then what's the point to life?
I thought it's meant to be easier
I thought I'm supposed to find meaning
but there's nothing
just a bitter emptiness
that cuts deeper than my wounds
deep in my chest
like a pile of bricks
falling on top of my beating heart
do you ever feel it?
that feeling when you realise
nothing would change if you're gone?
like nobody would notice?
because I do, every night
every fucking day
that's the painful truth
one I've been forced to accept
doesn't matter if I hurt myself
we all die anyway
the only difference is
I wouldn't be noticed if I go
but everyone else would...
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15. |
||||
|
repressed memories used to haunt my dreams
and now they bleed into my vision
what's the point in sleep? if I relive those days
each time I close my eyes...
tired and restless
exhausted and nauseous
endless corridors
that same forest..
I see her in my sleep
and in my peripheral vision
it never stops
please make it stop
the way she'd pin me down
with the weight of her body
like I'm chained to the ground
this is no way to live
a life in fear
a life with threats
she doesn't want me to be free
she got away with everything
I'd hang myself
I'd overdose
if I could...
but nothing ever works...
police won't help...
nothing will...
it will never stop...
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16. |
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Shroud Of Blight England, UK
One woman ambient dsbm
from Cornwall, UK
EST 2021
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